You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
