i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
