after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
COCAINE IS GR8
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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