i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
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