My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
