just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
this beer tastes like vomit already
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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