Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
