I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
