I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
