3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I am available for nakedness
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
