I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
