I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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