Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
