Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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