i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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