Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
