Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
