When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
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I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
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No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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