I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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