Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
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My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
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He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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