Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
