You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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