Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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