You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
