i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
