Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
