Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
