I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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