yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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