Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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