i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
