When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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