Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize