The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
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