I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
