why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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