Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
