Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
