She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
