how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
