listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
