Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
