I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
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Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
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Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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