Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
