My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
