Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
