Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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