Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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