what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
