My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
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i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
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I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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