Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
