Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
