This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
