Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
