Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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