Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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