they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
