I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
