member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You need Xanax blowdarts
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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