i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
