did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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