3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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