Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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