In the future we'll all be gay
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The air was thick with penises
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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