I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
