i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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